memory

in my heart of hearts,
i know one thing is true:
no matter the distance apart-
i'll always be with you.

i will be in every breeze
that pushes your hair from your face.
i will be in every memory
that we share and cannot replace.
i will be in every drop of rain
that finds its way onto your skin;
i'll be the blood inside your veins:
giving you life from within.
i'll be in every star in the sky,
far away, but close to your heart.

i want to be all of these things,
and maybe even more;
but even if i become just an occasional thought to you,
a flutter of memory synapses firing off randomly in your brain,
i still know that my memories will not fade,
the memories that we share, that cannot be replaced.
i've come to realize it was not always a need, but a want:
having you near me,
having you close to my heart.

so when the wind blows the hair from your face,
or when the rain falls upon your skin:
know that it is merely the storm of change,
slowly approaching; slowly blowing in.

that's all i have to say-
in the only way that i can:
i loved us, i love you,
i'll never forget -never-
everything that we've been through...but....

Now is the time of no longer worrying, no longer contemplating what has been, and what will or will not be. Now is the time to turn the other cheek, to show the cold shoulder, to earn respect through apathy. Now is the time to flip that switch -the old failsafe- to turn off the feelings and the pain. Now is the time of numbness, it's cold and it's dark, and comprised of things that are partially vain. Now is the time of no love, no soul. Now is the time of a heart that must be left alone. Now is the time to let things be, and so... I am done.

final step

apathy is the answer.
it freezes the water, even as it is falling from the sky.
the only answer.it may numb the heart, but, for now, that is fine.
cutting the losses.
living this life.
burning the bridge as i cross it.
stitching togetheronce-severed ties.
the final step,
the only way to keep from drowning,
flash-frozen rain drops are daunting,
but as long as i keep away from my heart
they won't fall, they'll stay the same,
suspended in the air unless this heart gives.
and this step, this final step, will usher in a new era, a new time...
a time of growth, a time of redemption;
and time will have to heal these wounds, self-afflicted.
that is the only way.
now, i choose this.
i choose life.

"Every little thing is gonna be alright."

step two

it's the human condition to dwell in pain,
but i'm breaking that habit, even as i circle the drain.
i'm swimming against this current, this flood, this rain,
this storm i've let pour on me for too long; and if it's all the same
i'd like to let this go; to let this linger no longer, to watch it fade:
this shame, this guilt, this love deficiency that is sinking its hooks into me.
i'd like to let it blow away with the wind and the snow and the smoke from the flames.
i'd like to watch this sink away like a bottle in water slowly filling up to the top.
i'd like a lot of things, but wanting doesn't make the rain stop.
step one was useless, gainless, and led to only emptiness.
metaphorically lost and internally bruised,
i choose to swim against the current.

step one.

-i cut myself on a bottle cap (i bought some Coke in glass bottles...sounded good...and i dont have a bottle opener haha so dont think the worst of that first line).-

the blood on my palm reminds me of the red i've been seeing lately;

the anger, that need to feel the quickening pulse in my chest,

i'm guessing the reason why was, if anything, to justify my unrest.

why did the words surface in my mind?

why did i push them out, like a knife into your heart?

because, while time does heal, it does a shitty job...the stitches come apart.

the wounds seep blood,

and the old familiar hurt becomes the only thing i can recognize anymore.

and, to my dismay, time only moves one way;

there's no denying its passage, and there is no way to contain it.

i did this to myself; pushed and shoved and threw myself into the mud.

why?...why not?

second chances have come and gone, i took for granted what i had, and

maybe a part of me knew...

just what i was putting you through.

so im punishing myself;

not with cuts, but with thoughts, with emotion, with intagible pain;

and with love.

i know i should be able to forgive myself,

but i know i never will.not for anything i've done,

not for anything.

i've killed hope: choked the life out of it until i knew the winter breeze would sting that much more.

i cannot forgive myself.

i will not.

even if there is a choice...

i choose this.

try again.

it just hit me, like a fist in the face, that i am on my own: no one here to embrace;
the truth, hard and cold, like a stone on the ground, tears away the walls, the sky, the clouds.
i feel nothing; my mind is white.
black is the product of all colors.
white is the utter lack of color.
i used to see colors, plenty of them,
but then they dulled to black and white.
some parts of my mind are far too focused.
there is so much color it dulls to a black.
then there are areas of white;
dead zones that are void of color.
i want to white everything out, and restart with new colors.
i want to try again.
how do i do that?
is it even possible?

hole.

hardships come, and knowing follows in their wake.
like cryptic hieroglyphic sketches; inevitably relevant.
standing on some edge, peering down into some infinitesimal hole.
knowing escapes me; the struggle engulfs me...now.
hardships come, and pain does pass.
like a winter chill, though, the feeling stays within the bones.
standing on that infinitesimal edge: looking down, and seeing nothing.
i cannot fathom the compromise that this journey is comprised of, dear.
please, let me know if we've got far to go; until the skies are once more clear.

growth

freedom is no longer a choice:
they've silenced our collective voice.
nothing comes from nothing in the end.
simple-minded gred has vanquished our intellect.
youth have hope, please: you can clear this shroud.
overdosed on wealth, they've become docile under their crown.

hell will flourish with flames,
and ash will cover our grounds.
surrogate sons:
pull the tyrants down.

growth will prosper,
soil fertilized by the ashes of the ones
who steal, cheat, and lie.
organic hope shall
feed us for the rest of our lives.

equaity will ring true
once the air is clear.
love will guide us through,
the Earth will banish fear.

heal...
we can heal.
the pain is real...
but they will feel...
the truth...so real...
we can...heal.
we will...heal.
heal...healing is real.
relief will come soon.
relief we will...
we will feel.

loss

sleep no longer
rests my body,
aching, breaking,
like i'm rotting
from the inside...
out.

poisoned by the
lack of discretion
practiced by
our world.

like a cancer...
contaminating
the structure
of our collective unconscious.

at a loss of words
from the loss of life,
the passage of time
flows far too fast
to warrant inaction.

soundtrack.

If my life had a soundtrack,
the beat would match that of your heart.
And mine.
A harmony of love and laughter.
A beautiful work of art.
Notes plucked from our heart-strings...
I've never felt so alive as I do...
With you.
The rest of my life,
I pray,
Will include you
Most, if not all, days.
If my life had a soundtrack...
the beat would match that of your heart...and mine.

understanding.

understanding eludes me
like a whisper of smoke in a high wind
i'm still chasing it, though
like a prayer chases God.
i'm searching.
changing.
rearranging.
hoping for brighter days ahead.

hoping for understanding...
and peace of mind.

vows.

I vow to tell the truth.
I vow to be myself.
I vow to be open.
I vow to keep an open mind.
I vow to never judge, lest I be judged.
I vow to love unconditionally.
I vow to never give into hatred.
I vow to try my best.
I vow to never be silent on matters of my heart.
I vow that I will never be the same.
And I'm holding myself to these vows.
Believe me.

seeing clearly.

The death of hatred, the loss of judgment; the breaking down of barriers; the relief of pressure from oppression- these things are what truly sets the soul on the path to freedom.

Drop what you're holding onto so tightly, your beliefs, your cynicism, your judgments, your lack of self respect. Drop those things. Realize the human body, mind, and soul are all part of one temple disclosed under the skin of every person on this planet, regardless of color, race, beliefs, how they act, how they feel.

Human beings are alive and breathing, given a chance, for whatever reason, to do something in their lifetime. Whether that something be to teach another person, or inspire another person, or just to be there for another person to lean on. We all have our purposes. We all have our strenghts and weaknesses. We should not exploit the differences, the weaknesses, but embrace them, help those who are weak where we are strong, and form a close-knit web of human bonding...a collective consciousness with the soul purpose of being free to be ourselves.
My eyes are open, and I want to do this, I want to see past the small things, the meager disputes, the emotions, the judgements, the exploitation of weakness; I want to see past these things...so I am.

You have to want to believe that there is something more within those around you; within yourself. While beliefs are dangerous when left alone, a true belief, one that you work on and constantly reestablish, a belief that cannot falter, can be a stable foundation for the basis of the rest of your life. Establishing that kind of belief require walking pathes that have not yet been made.

I'm taking one of those invisible pathes. My hands are open, waiting to be grasped.

Who will join me?

dawn.

the sun is setting on this phase,
breaking down elements;
turning light to utter darkness.
the sun is setting on this place,
breaking down barriers made
in the past to conceal all of the shame.

as the moon makes its home in the sky:
thoughts spin out of control,
the most prominent of them is a question-
that question, like most, begins with 'why'.
why do things feel so wrong?
nevermind, ignore the signs,
let life pass by.
why can't i shape up?
a question to be answered
by the reflection of a mirror.

the sun is setting,
the shadows are consuming everything-
and where will you go
to escape the inevitable dawn?

choice.

you're lighting a match to cast towards
all that you thought you wanted
,all that you thought you loved.
too much potential
for disaster
in this atmosphere of fuel,
this atmosphere of use.

taking for granted
all that is a part of your salvation;
taking for granted
the only things that
could bring you back from the edge

this canyon-
the seperation of
wants from choice.
needs from addiction.
silence from voice.

it all comes down to choice.

merge.

in my own way, yet again,
like a lead weight that cannot be cut from the line.
its like...the old me, the one influenced by him,
is trying to pull me back to who i was,
who i'd been;
like there's no true use trying to move on from this.
i have my helping hand...
but will it be enough?
she is that helping hand-
guiding me with love.
and yet i still get in my own way,
over and over, again.
like a dreadful weight in my subconscious.
its like i'm constantly fighting the urge
to turn around and live life backwards
just to put myself back through
what i've already said, felt and done.
self-centered disposition
that lurks in that part of me
is...what scares me.
it brings me down,
it draws me further into that shell
i broke out of almost two years ago,
i broke out of that shell,
why do i still feel this way?
i thought i'd fixed myself,
i thought i'd climbed back from this gap-
constantly fighting with myself:
a struggle for control of this vessel, it seems.

perhaps, to quote a hero of mine, i must 'Step into the shadow,'
join one and one until there is only one.
merge the two halves to make something whole.
that's my only option if i wish to maintain some kind of grip on my life.
because, even with her in my life, this is a problem large enough to destroy my sanity.

hopeful.

analysis over compassion
will always bring suffering;
money over morals
will never fix anything.
pride defines us all-
but pride cometh before the fall.

the calm before the storm,
the helplessly hopeful,
must rise before
ignorance is all that we know.

shimmering, glittering-
billboards speak endlessly
of covering things...
so we no longer know truth from lies.
we make our own problems
so the problems on the outside
of this belligerent shell can be denied.

the calm before the storm,
the helplessly hopeful,
must rise against this
before ignorance becomes bliss.

dealing with nothing,
causing self-suffering-
consume and live a guilt free life.
dealing with nothing,
leave the innocent to do the suffering-
consume and destroy all human rights.

the calm before the storm-
what can i say: i'm helplessly hopeful
that we can still rise before
ignorance is all we know.

hero.

a piece of me dies slowly beneath your skin.
second by second- i feel the constant slip.
you're still my brother, though not by blood,
not by choice; you were my role model, once.
i envied the way you knew just what to do.
i basked in the rays shining from inside of you;
for years i was just riding on your coat tails...
until one day you were gone.
and that one day turned into a year.
things changed; you changed- i changed.
i grew; you'd found love- and i was still alone.
i hadnt felt abandoned, though, not at that point;
that didnt come until later on...
under the cool gaze of retrospect.
you came back, though;
and i welcomed you into my heart, again.
brothers; friends- just like before.
until the time came when the boat of my youth hit rocky shores.
my heart had been mature all along;
my mind just needed time to catch up.
luckily i was able to see what needed to be done...
regardless of consequence;
the heart is innocent- regardless of what it feels.
who can help that?
not a single soul can help that...
...more time passed, and i found love...
in the same place that you had;
in the same place you still felt it.
questions of why and how and who i was...
began to be asked.
and i was barely aware;
barely an identity- even then.
i broke my own heart;
and, in retrospect, you got your way.
i stood aside- to let you have your way.
i gave up what little pride i'd gained
just so you could have your way;
to get what you'd already cast away.
more time passed, even slower;
until i sit here, now.
addiction consumed you;
still does, even now.
love has been lost, and,
looking back, it was never gone before.
i still have my voice, dear brother;
i've managed to regain all of my pride.
i have a little self-confidence, now;
and you can no longer break my stride.
i still have my heart, my brother;
even after you've ripped it out-
whether or not that was intentional...
either way, i'll always have my doubts:
my trust, my faith, my envy of you, brother,
has diminished so far.
you've become everything i never wanted to be,
and for that, i fear, i may be to blame.
but isnt that what the child's for?
to blame themself for something beyond their control?
if not that, then what am i for?
useless, scattered, undeserving of love.
i shield all senses, emotions and such-
yet still i feel pitiful, knowing i'll always be second to you.
maybe i pushed you this far.
maybe you seek to escape the world i helped shape.
i only had the best intentions in mind.
my ship of youth had hit rocky shores,
now it lies at the bottom of the sea of life,
and i visit it on occasion, dwelling on it for only a moment at a time.
i see your face, there; smiling, remembering.
i remember those days quite clearly; before my hope was gone.
brother, who are you now,
if i ever knew you at all?
your path leads only down- unless you can turn around.
i'll keep some faith in that, at least- the fact that you might try.
i hope you do, my brother,
because a part of me is you, because you've always been my hero.
and i suppose you probably always will.

run free

fall begins to settle in the bones; changing stature, arming defenses.
preperation against cold times ahead begins to take ground.
becoming my own shadow-mimicking past versions of myself,
from a different time, a different place.
i want to break this cycle, this running through the motions;
i want to break this wide open and run free.
i want to feel a new wind, taste a new sight with wide open eyes.
i want to breathe a new scent for the first time.
i want to shatter all preconceptions
that life is worth living while constantly judging.
i want to see to see the world...
through the eyes of all others.
i want to feel what all others feel.
and carry all burdens upon my shoulders...
and continue to run...
until the wind cleanses the pain of the world.

my strength.

sleep eludes me, completely
while the night winds tirelessly forth.
i try to close my eyes, knowing
that it is useless to even try anymore.
shortcomings haunt me,
endlessly taunting;
how can i be confident
when i have no real strengths?
i'm not shallow, not brutal,
not a jock, not a nerd,
not a loser, not gay,
not arrogant, not proud,
not happy with the world,
but not oblivious to what goes on in it.
but...i'm not normal.
i'm me.
as much as i hate me,
i'm beginning...
to learn to live with me.
at least i have someone...
to give me some kind of strength.
and for that...i am thankful.
it helps to have someone
-her-
that actually cares.
and thats what i hold onto,
on nights like tonight,
where i cant sleep;
when the shadows beneath my bed
are nothing compared to those within my mind.
but she lights up most of that darkness...
with her love.
right here-right now-
she is my strength.

goodbye.

i hope the trip is a safe one, my friend.
that trip we're all afraid of in the end.
i pray that you aren't too surprised
at what you see, what you come to find.
we send you forth...with love...
and without regret.
you lived a full life...
...and i will never forget
the lessons i learned from you.
the lessons well learned, though few.
i hope the trip is a safe one, my friend.
i'll see you there, in the clearing at the end of the path.
because, you see all pathes end.
goodbye, old soul, may you rest in peace.
and, before i forget, i love you; i always have.
goodbye.

taking it all in.

taking it all in
and waiting.
waiting for that moment,
that piece of time, when
everything makes sense.
trusting farther into the unknown.
faith becomes inspiring instead of just blind.
beliefs are dangerous.
beliefs are cruel.
belive in nothing...
...to truly see everything.
ignorance is insecurity turning a cold shoulder
to all that is innocently dying, unseen; like ants under rolling boulders.
taking it all in.
and waiting for the return
of sanity.

breathe.

brighter than any sun.
renewed like a heartbeat.
insight into what this has become.
realizing what this could always be.

inspire me.
keep me where the light is.
stand by me.
hold my hand
when the going gets...
tougher, larger than me:
keep me where the light is.

shining like the brightest star.
singled out like a constellation.
breathe into me, open my mind:
guide me-in the dark i am blind.

inspire me.
keep me where the light is.
breathe.
i'll keep you close, regardless
of where you've been;
or who you think you appear to be.
you're pretty much my everything.

inspire me.
keep me where the light is.
the only thing is:
my light is you.

breathe.
renew that heartbeat.
and let each moment flourish
before your luminescent eyes.