merge.

in my own way, yet again,
like a lead weight that cannot be cut from the line.
its like...the old me, the one influenced by him,
is trying to pull me back to who i was,
who i'd been;
like there's no true use trying to move on from this.
i have my helping hand...
but will it be enough?
she is that helping hand-
guiding me with love.
and yet i still get in my own way,
over and over, again.
like a dreadful weight in my subconscious.
its like i'm constantly fighting the urge
to turn around and live life backwards
just to put myself back through
what i've already said, felt and done.
self-centered disposition
that lurks in that part of me
is...what scares me.
it brings me down,
it draws me further into that shell
i broke out of almost two years ago,
i broke out of that shell,
why do i still feel this way?
i thought i'd fixed myself,
i thought i'd climbed back from this gap-
constantly fighting with myself:
a struggle for control of this vessel, it seems.

perhaps, to quote a hero of mine, i must 'Step into the shadow,'
join one and one until there is only one.
merge the two halves to make something whole.
that's my only option if i wish to maintain some kind of grip on my life.
because, even with her in my life, this is a problem large enough to destroy my sanity.