hero.

a piece of me dies slowly beneath your skin.
second by second- i feel the constant slip.
you're still my brother, though not by blood,
not by choice; you were my role model, once.
i envied the way you knew just what to do.
i basked in the rays shining from inside of you;
for years i was just riding on your coat tails...
until one day you were gone.
and that one day turned into a year.
things changed; you changed- i changed.
i grew; you'd found love- and i was still alone.
i hadnt felt abandoned, though, not at that point;
that didnt come until later on...
under the cool gaze of retrospect.
you came back, though;
and i welcomed you into my heart, again.
brothers; friends- just like before.
until the time came when the boat of my youth hit rocky shores.
my heart had been mature all along;
my mind just needed time to catch up.
luckily i was able to see what needed to be done...
regardless of consequence;
the heart is innocent- regardless of what it feels.
who can help that?
not a single soul can help that...
...more time passed, and i found love...
in the same place that you had;
in the same place you still felt it.
questions of why and how and who i was...
began to be asked.
and i was barely aware;
barely an identity- even then.
i broke my own heart;
and, in retrospect, you got your way.
i stood aside- to let you have your way.
i gave up what little pride i'd gained
just so you could have your way;
to get what you'd already cast away.
more time passed, even slower;
until i sit here, now.
addiction consumed you;
still does, even now.
love has been lost, and,
looking back, it was never gone before.
i still have my voice, dear brother;
i've managed to regain all of my pride.
i have a little self-confidence, now;
and you can no longer break my stride.
i still have my heart, my brother;
even after you've ripped it out-
whether or not that was intentional...
either way, i'll always have my doubts:
my trust, my faith, my envy of you, brother,
has diminished so far.
you've become everything i never wanted to be,
and for that, i fear, i may be to blame.
but isnt that what the child's for?
to blame themself for something beyond their control?
if not that, then what am i for?
useless, scattered, undeserving of love.
i shield all senses, emotions and such-
yet still i feel pitiful, knowing i'll always be second to you.
maybe i pushed you this far.
maybe you seek to escape the world i helped shape.
i only had the best intentions in mind.
my ship of youth had hit rocky shores,
now it lies at the bottom of the sea of life,
and i visit it on occasion, dwelling on it for only a moment at a time.
i see your face, there; smiling, remembering.
i remember those days quite clearly; before my hope was gone.
brother, who are you now,
if i ever knew you at all?
your path leads only down- unless you can turn around.
i'll keep some faith in that, at least- the fact that you might try.
i hope you do, my brother,
because a part of me is you, because you've always been my hero.
and i suppose you probably always will.