memory

in my heart of hearts,
i know one thing is true:
no matter the distance apart-
i'll always be with you.

i will be in every breeze
that pushes your hair from your face.
i will be in every memory
that we share and cannot replace.
i will be in every drop of rain
that finds its way onto your skin;
i'll be the blood inside your veins:
giving you life from within.
i'll be in every star in the sky,
far away, but close to your heart.

i want to be all of these things,
and maybe even more;
but even if i become just an occasional thought to you,
a flutter of memory synapses firing off randomly in your brain,
i still know that my memories will not fade,
the memories that we share, that cannot be replaced.
i've come to realize it was not always a need, but a want:
having you near me,
having you close to my heart.

so when the wind blows the hair from your face,
or when the rain falls upon your skin:
know that it is merely the storm of change,
slowly approaching; slowly blowing in.

that's all i have to say-
in the only way that i can:
i loved us, i love you,
i'll never forget -never-
everything that we've been through...but....

Now is the time of no longer worrying, no longer contemplating what has been, and what will or will not be. Now is the time to turn the other cheek, to show the cold shoulder, to earn respect through apathy. Now is the time to flip that switch -the old failsafe- to turn off the feelings and the pain. Now is the time of numbness, it's cold and it's dark, and comprised of things that are partially vain. Now is the time of no love, no soul. Now is the time of a heart that must be left alone. Now is the time to let things be, and so... I am done.

final step

apathy is the answer.
it freezes the water, even as it is falling from the sky.
the only answer.it may numb the heart, but, for now, that is fine.
cutting the losses.
living this life.
burning the bridge as i cross it.
stitching togetheronce-severed ties.
the final step,
the only way to keep from drowning,
flash-frozen rain drops are daunting,
but as long as i keep away from my heart
they won't fall, they'll stay the same,
suspended in the air unless this heart gives.
and this step, this final step, will usher in a new era, a new time...
a time of growth, a time of redemption;
and time will have to heal these wounds, self-afflicted.
that is the only way.
now, i choose this.
i choose life.

"Every little thing is gonna be alright."

step two

it's the human condition to dwell in pain,
but i'm breaking that habit, even as i circle the drain.
i'm swimming against this current, this flood, this rain,
this storm i've let pour on me for too long; and if it's all the same
i'd like to let this go; to let this linger no longer, to watch it fade:
this shame, this guilt, this love deficiency that is sinking its hooks into me.
i'd like to let it blow away with the wind and the snow and the smoke from the flames.
i'd like to watch this sink away like a bottle in water slowly filling up to the top.
i'd like a lot of things, but wanting doesn't make the rain stop.
step one was useless, gainless, and led to only emptiness.
metaphorically lost and internally bruised,
i choose to swim against the current.

step one.

-i cut myself on a bottle cap (i bought some Coke in glass bottles...sounded good...and i dont have a bottle opener haha so dont think the worst of that first line).-

the blood on my palm reminds me of the red i've been seeing lately;

the anger, that need to feel the quickening pulse in my chest,

i'm guessing the reason why was, if anything, to justify my unrest.

why did the words surface in my mind?

why did i push them out, like a knife into your heart?

because, while time does heal, it does a shitty job...the stitches come apart.

the wounds seep blood,

and the old familiar hurt becomes the only thing i can recognize anymore.

and, to my dismay, time only moves one way;

there's no denying its passage, and there is no way to contain it.

i did this to myself; pushed and shoved and threw myself into the mud.

why?...why not?

second chances have come and gone, i took for granted what i had, and

maybe a part of me knew...

just what i was putting you through.

so im punishing myself;

not with cuts, but with thoughts, with emotion, with intagible pain;

and with love.

i know i should be able to forgive myself,

but i know i never will.not for anything i've done,

not for anything.

i've killed hope: choked the life out of it until i knew the winter breeze would sting that much more.

i cannot forgive myself.

i will not.

even if there is a choice...

i choose this.